James' blog

told asking break something hate disgusting told broke love more weigh deciding wanted more lose fail happy time mess happened ‘mess’. lost … more learn never see give up alone living want exist much before give growing person better felt everything.

remember hard love finally shown six important life loved accept less ago learnt no-one falling five apart happened problems [somewhere] about appreciate regret hurt anymore four nothing some-day fades away thinking gone want whatever trust afraid stupid three because because be close two retreat remember laughing, throwing, happy sitting. visit see cut down, looking remember laying next to you

one good horrible heartless prick

removed memories
need
‘OK’

I’m so sorry.

trying hold nights sometimes
just … almost started
haven’t someone else
not new
look past
through*
or avoid completely.

never organising something else
getting drunk - drinking?

sat, seen your end, in my own home.
feel - guess ‘hurt’?

miss hate hurts feel reason care part either understand through hope works healthy – time is there [where]. give allowed would think possibly better take that lead. alot of things show effort. understand their need – and I am willing something together.

It has been quite cold of late, though I find myself saying I’m really quite warm. Home is warm. I feel at home with Brendan.

Gloves and scarves are … novel.
My big black coat is warm. A tee [long sleeved, close-fitting and white], another [blue, with shiny motif on front, v-neck cut], a borrowed jumper [should get that back], a jacket [with zipper], and my big black coat on top.

I got an early train that day.
Eckersly’s Art Supplies. Half way from Wynyard to Town Hall
I walked from there to get the bus from Elizabeth Street.

Raining

I liked it

He used to like that coat. I remember Performing Arts night. An idea which didn’t really work — we never did make it to the lookout, he said we did, he drew us standing there holding hands.

Put away with the other letter’s; a brown paper envelope ‘lost’ in the top of my wardrobe.

6 weeks holidays. Will I get to Melbourne. Will we?
We’ll see — I hope so though.

Performance Art tomorrow.
 with an Installation component.

7 projects for 7 weeks

my life fell apart somewhere in the middle – or seemed to, seeming to. seams

5 minutes on the phone with a pleasant but withdrawn sounding recorded voice and I’ve lodged my preferences for the 2006 NSW University entrance applications process.

“Six Zero Nine – Three Four Five: University of Technology Sydney, Bachelor of Arts in Communication (Social Inquiry) and International Studies”
To confirm press 1.

Another four courses added – I’ll change them a few times before the December closing date.

                        15 tracks
15 years old
        15 days
fifteen

I slowly opened my eyes, remembering I had contacts in, and half-consciously said to myself “I feel like a train’s hit me!” – an unfortunately morbid statement considering the events of February this year.

Whole right side of my body numb – the side I was lying on, dry mouth, heavy eyelids – that “collapsed on bed due to exhaustion and just slept in jeans” feeling.

Eventually worked up the motivation to move – noticed the cute tufts of “sex hair” I now have in the mirror [kind of like Jess' used to be 'cept at the back] – poked around in my eye, and removed the little plastic parabolic discs which were letting me see.

I enjoy mirrors. They … let me see and communicate with someone I have the strongest connection with that I’ll ever have.

I slowly opened my eyes, remembering I had contacts in, and half-consciously said to myself “I feel like a train’s hit me!” – an unfortunately morbid statement considering the events of February this year.

Whole right side of my body numb – the side I was lying on, dry mouth, heavy eyelids – that “collapsed on bed due to exhaustion and just slept in jeans” feeling.

Eventually worked up the motivation to move – noticed the cute tufts of “sex hair” I now have in the mirror [kind of like Jess' used to be 'cept at the back] – poked around in my eye, and removed the little plastic parabolic discs which were letting me see.

I enjoy mirrors. They … let me see and communicate with someone I have the strongest connection with that I’ll ever have.

i feel like shit though

Waking up this morning, having tuned into ABC Radio National’s AM News Program, I experienced the day’s first hit of cynicism.

“George Bush and John Howard had the first informal meeting in an
upcoming week of talks yesterday, attending St. Patrick’s Church, located
next to the White House. The two, accompanied by their wives sat in the same pew in which the President has traditionally sat for the last 150 years”

– ‘great’ methinks ‘two stupid old men, getting off on invading countries, going to church together’
*sigh*