James' blog

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(or morning)

at ten past one in the morning:

they can’t

sometimes, when you love someone, after a while, you begin to think that they think like you

at twenty past one (in the morning):

but you don’t

sometimes you think you understand

at twenty to two:

and you might

sometimes you think you’ll be with them for a long time

at one minute and twenty-one seconds past two:

things fall
its just how it goes

and i don’t know very much

told asking break something hate disgusting told broke love more weigh deciding wanted more lose fail happy time mess happened ‘mess’. lost … more learn never see give up alone living want exist much before give growing person better felt everything.

remember hard love finally shown six important life loved accept less ago learnt no-one falling five apart happened problems [somewhere] about appreciate regret hurt anymore four nothing some-day fades away thinking gone want whatever trust afraid stupid three because because be close two retreat remember laughing, throwing, happy sitting. visit see cut down, looking remember laying next to you

one good horrible heartless prick

removed memories
need
‘OK’

I’m so sorry.

trying hold nights sometimes
just … almost started
haven’t someone else
not new
look past
through*
or avoid completely.

never organising something else
getting drunk - drinking?

sat, seen your end, in my own home.
feel - guess ‘hurt’?

miss hate hurts feel reason care part either understand through hope works healthy – time is there [where]. give allowed would think possibly better take that lead. alot of things show effort. understand their need – and I am willing something together.

It has been quite cold of late, though I find myself saying I’m really quite warm. Home is warm. I feel at home with Brendan.

Gloves and scarves are … novel.
My big black coat is warm. A tee [long sleeved, close-fitting and white], another [blue, with shiny motif on front, v-neck cut], a borrowed jumper [should get that back], a jacket [with zipper], and my big black coat on top.

I got an early train that day.
Eckersly’s Art Supplies. Half way from Wynyard to Town Hall
I walked from there to get the bus from Elizabeth Street.

Raining

I liked it

He used to like that coat. I remember Performing Arts night. An idea which didn’t really work — we never did make it to the lookout, he said we did, he drew us standing there holding hands.

Put away with the other letter’s; a brown paper envelope ‘lost’ in the top of my wardrobe.

6 weeks holidays. Will I get to Melbourne. Will we?
We’ll see — I hope so though.

Performance Art tomorrow.
 with an Installation component.

7 projects for 7 weeks

my life fell apart somewhere in the middle – or seemed to, seeming to. seams

                        15 tracks
15 years old
        15 days
fifteen

I slowly opened my eyes, remembering I had contacts in, and half-consciously said to myself “I feel like a train’s hit me!” – an unfortunately morbid statement considering the events of February this year.

Whole right side of my body numb – the side I was lying on, dry mouth, heavy eyelids – that “collapsed on bed due to exhaustion and just slept in jeans” feeling.

Eventually worked up the motivation to move – noticed the cute tufts of “sex hair” I now have in the mirror [kind of like Jess' used to be 'cept at the back] – poked around in my eye, and removed the little plastic parabolic discs which were letting me see.

I enjoy mirrors. They … let me see and communicate with someone I have the strongest connection with that I’ll ever have.

I slowly opened my eyes, remembering I had contacts in, and half-consciously said to myself “I feel like a train’s hit me!” – an unfortunately morbid statement considering the events of February this year.

Whole right side of my body numb – the side I was lying on, dry mouth, heavy eyelids – that “collapsed on bed due to exhaustion and just slept in jeans” feeling.

Eventually worked up the motivation to move – noticed the cute tufts of “sex hair” I now have in the mirror [kind of like Jess' used to be 'cept at the back] – poked around in my eye, and removed the little plastic parabolic discs which were letting me see.

I enjoy mirrors. They … let me see and communicate with someone I have the strongest connection with that I’ll ever have.

i feel like shit though

the flashing cursor burns a line on the back of my retina, urging my fingers to move across the keyboard, my mind to spurt out endless amounts of meaningless words, sentences so stuffed with padding, that when it is all removed, no message remains

Ashleigh once said of her desire to blog

(I need)… a little pensive therapy…some literary relief…

I used to blog often, less and less as time wore on. It is hard to these days.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I think I prefer the dark. Cold, gloomy days, conducive of deep thought, an awareness of the universe unattainable in the blinding sunlight. The power of a storm.

LP [Last Posting]
January 2005
Klokwerk, Ashmo
September 2004
Corinne on [T-MT]
August 2004
Smurf, Hannah
May 2004
Jess